We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.