I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
You Might Also Like
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken