My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
That’s a good costume, I hope.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.