Chicken bread
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern