I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
yes… yes…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.