*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.