So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You Might Also Like
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello