Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.