I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair