Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same