Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
October already? What’s next? November????
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.