If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
the red hot silly peppers
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one