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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.