My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
happy mother’s day❤️
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.