how it started vs how it ended
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”