My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
#Caturday
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.