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Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*mops up wine with cat*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Writing, She Murdered.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default