{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE