Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.