“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?