Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets