I feel seen
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.