Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.