business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced