What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen