Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe