I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
You Might Also Like
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
.. do you even science?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]