Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.