Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
THIS HEADLINE
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
#CoronaOutbreak