Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I did not eat the cake…
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.