This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
This is Sparta
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I only eat vegetarians.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
nobody’s gonna understand
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.