Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad