Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.