[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.