-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You Might Also Like
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg