If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
rise and shine we got egg
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.