My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
August 8
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
#FunnyLife Insects
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life