Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.