Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.