I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.