hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Them: Just act casual
Me:
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.