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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
#Caturday
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.