Another interesting #factupdates post!
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.