Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.