A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Guy who likes music
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.