My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
You Might Also Like
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
#Caturday
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.