Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*