The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Story of my life…..
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.