“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
You Might Also Like
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.