Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.